A quiet sunny and reflective day today; the rest of the trip (top secret until I get there) is planned now and I’m excited to get moving again tonight (ferry number 4).

One of the most interesting things about being so far away from home is that I no longer have the luxury of people knowing what has happened to me. They might be able to guess, they might think it’s a style choice, I have no idea but I do rather like telling people 😂.

I’ve just been downstairs in the pool area again, which is lovely by the way if ever you visit. It is impossible not to feel uncomfortable in a changing room plastered with signs telling you to take all your clothes off if you want to go in the steam room.

I’m not bothered for me, but I don’t think the hotel has even considered for one moment that there may be a very good reason why some women might not want to take all their clothes off right now in front of others. It’s quite shocking when you first see my new form as it is so different and in any event I’m someone who values the privacy of the more intimate parts of my body 😳 and it does feel very strange to me that that doesn’t bother the Finnish. Am I on my own here? Surely not, British readers? We all have parts of us we don’t feel as confident about be it short or long term. Should we just get on with it and bare all 😬?

I’m also still struggling with being stared at, I know I could wear a frilly swimsuit that hides my shape but I don’t feel I should have to. Again this is one of those big contradictions, how do we deal with saying THIS IS ME! and at the same time dealing with the reactions, usually only initial ones, that follow. Maybe the answer involves a mild sedative or big girl pants.

Interestingly and I suppose not that surprisingly, I want people to know what has happened to me. Is this because I want them to treat me differently? I haven’t really experienced any situations which have required special treatment so far, apart from some help with some bags on the ferry on the way over. Is it because I want them to be impressed, that I’m still here, that I’m travelling alone? Neither of these things are actual achievements as such, it’s just how my body has reacted to certain treatment and I just happen to be on my own. Clearly over this prolonged period I have got very used to being treated very gently and it’s probably very healthy that I am now in the real world and as I mentioned yesterday the key is always to ask for anything you need.

During this trip I’ve asked for lots of time on many occasions and for help carrying things and sometimes for help navigating the van. I have no answer to questions I’m posing, I definitely want to be seen as someone who has been unwell but simultaneously want to be seen as a normal person. Perhaps not an unreasonable contradiction at this stage and I presume it will change and evolve.

That links quite neatly into a topic that came up on Facebook today, that of grief. This particular article http://runwonder.com/news/losing-a-parent-is-hell-so-stop-telling-me-to-get-over-my-grief.html was focused on the death of a parent but can be applied more broadly to any kind of grief. The very brief summary being that we all deal with grief very differently and over different periods of time and it really never ends although for some people it might evolve to such an extent that it feels like it has ended.

I keep coming back to that same idea, that we are all dealing with something and yet we work so hard to be seen to be ‘super okay’ – This would be the emoji equivalent of what we want people to think 💪😎👍👍🙏🤠.

I do feel really frustrated. I really want to be able to give everyone a big shake (not a milkshake, although that might help 😂) to get them to wake up to the fact that they can’t avoid painful feelings and that it is also not okay to deal with your own and then walk away from everyone else’s. We need to use the strength we have gained to help others.

I don’t mean that no one should have any boundaries and that we all should spend our time weeping together in big huddles. Rather by us being more open and talking about why we look the way we look, why we still feel sad even after all these years and so on then we grow stronger and everything is less awkward.

I do worry that I’m repeating myself now I’ve got onto these topics, so please do comment if I am, I won’t take offence 😃.

There is plenty of driving and lots of different locations coming up over the next few days which will hopefully take things down a different path as I try to remember how to drive the van again, but these thoughts are constant and no matter how far I go and how much I move, none of these feelings are going to go away and nor should they. It is about adapting to what we feel, then accepting it again so that others can accept us. I think I want everyone to feel comfortable before I am, which is clearly not going to work.

Let’s call this a work in progress.

Bizarrely I’m now off to grab a snack while entering another business award for Rose & North. I think the variety is a good thing! Let’s hope I get inspired enough to rattle out a great entry. I won’t tell them about my driving ‘skills’ 🤫.