So, avid followers of my self-indulgent Instagram feed might already know this, but for those with better things to do (really?) or who might have missed it; MY ARMPITS NO LONGER SMELL.

Yup. You heard right. Sorry for shouting.

I haven’t worn deodorant for 10 months and no-one has at any time been any the wiser. I’m B.O. free. I know. Amazing. This miracle, has come at quite a price, I’m sure you’re all too well aware, but a miracle it remains.

It’s been tested through the heatiest heatwave of the century and even a hot flush doesn’t trigger anything. Trust me, I have checked and checked again, nothing.

It’s not my nose. I’ve tested that too.

What intrigues me the most is that no other cancer sufferer has had this side effect to my knowledge 🤔. If you know of anyone, let me know. Get sniffing.

What’s galvanised my view is that when I saw my oncologist today, even she could not confirm any other examples of such a phenomenon (she clearly has more important matters to deal with but did give it due consideration which I thought was kind given the ridiculous nature of my query).

Now, there is no guarantee this is a permanent arrangement, so I think I need to move fast. It suddenly occurred to me that maybe this can be used for the greater good! I still sweat by the way, just no smell. I know I was panting the other day in a post but that was unconnected and due to poor fitness rather than a need to find an alternative way to cool down.

This afternoon, high on sugar and a mere half a furlong* away from Louis Theroux, I suggested to my friend Sam that as now I suspect I am the only person this has happened to ever, in the entire world (can this be, can I make such a claim on such limited evidence?), maybe I should pimp myself out to scientists trying to come up with a ‘cure’ for smelly armpits. Imagine! Everyone free from deodorant and more importantly the smell of B.O! Journeys in confined spaces would never be the same again! It could be a game changer in North Lopham 😉.

If they can isolate the thing that’s either neutralising or stopping the production of bacteria in my armpits, I could rival Elon Musk for Commercial Science Billionaire status! Think of the things we could do! Also, think of the planet! Less washing= clothes last longer= less electricity usage on a huge scale, plus no pong!

Sam is worried. She’s worried even my writing this blog might cause me to be kidnapped so my cells can be harvested to make the world smell nicer.

Horrified by my plans, she reminded me of the latter part of the glorious 1984 film, Splash, where they kidnap Daryl Hannah and put her in an aquarium.

She reckons they’ll jab me with hundreds of needles and prod me with electrodes (it’s fair to say Sam is ‘alarmed’ by the idea) and I’ll never be free to swim in the open sea ever again. Is she right?

Apart from the fact that I’m now desperate to watch this film again (how cute is Tom Hanks’ character!), I think I’m happy to take the gamble. I just need a few legal pals to keep me safe and a scientist or two I can trust.

The silliest part? I’m serious. Does anyone with a science-brain know if it would work?

Obviously chemotherapy isn’t a great alternative to deodorant, I’m not advocating that 😳 but whatever it’s switched on or off must be able to be isolated, no?

The future of the planet and all our noses, is in your hands.

Footnotes:

*Honestly I have no idea how far that is.