When I reached the zenith of my own vulnerability – and of course, I thought I had reached this pinnacle many times before and I will no doubt, reach a higher point in the future– I had two choices. 

I could put up walls around me, the higher the better, like an ancient town such as Lucca in Italy (if you haven’t been, go) and thus make myself ‘bulletproof’ and resistant to attack. I could be whomever I wanted to be within the safety of these walls and no-one would ever know. 

The advantages were clear and I did try it for a while. If you don’t let anyone in, they can’t do any damage. It does work. It is also a sad, lonely and uninspiring way to live.

The other choice, which, as you will know, fits more into my natural rhythm, is being as authentic as I possibly can be, regardless of the consequences.

Now that’s the hard part.

Being entirely yourself when the feedback is only positive is easy, living authentically and dealing with the fact that not everyone will like what you do, how you do it or what you stand for, is the tough bit. What I have learned, however, is that it is also the part of the experience that makes it worthwhile and more rewarding. 

When you realise that although many people might resent what you are saying or doing or feel ‘put out’, others are liberated and inspired; you keep on going. You ramp up the pace.

I’ve always been like this – it will be no surprise to learn this – but for decades I struggled with the lack of global acceptance of who I was. It hurt when people did not ‘like’ me or the way I was. My behaviours in those early days lacked refinement (no sniggering at the back) and I had few to no boundaries. Reaching where I am now, has been a journey and it’s a lifelong mission to be a better version of who I truly am. 

Accepting that we all have a dark side and will do and say things that we regret, is part of the learning process. It is freeing. As long as we take responsibility for our impact on others and start to learn what that impact is, we can change for the better. No-one will ever be perfect and we all react to other people and our environments but we can deal better with other people over time.

We experienced a very rare situation recently in the office. An administrative error had led to a meeting clash and the prospective client reacted in a very extreme way to the situation. I apologised, the team apologised and I apologised again.

The body language from the prospective client was powerful, their continued criticism and complaints (despite the continued apologies) seemed to become louder and then a voice in my head made a clear announcement.

As someone who complains a lot in order to improve things, I did a lot of soul searching around this incident. I understood this person’s frustration, I would have been irritated too but our surprised faces and heartfelt apologies really should have been enough. No-one can do more than apologise. An apology is usually a powerful thing.

My boundaries had been crossed. This was not someone who was going to become a client.

I calmly (and nicely) announced this to the prospective client and suggested we refund their fees and they find a better fit somewhere else. This individual was clearly shocked (I still do not know what outcome they wanted) but the barrage of criticism ceased and the tension eased a little.

We reflected as a team and concluded that there might have been some alternative ways to handle this but that the outcome would have been the same. You have to share a lot of personal information as one of our clients and you can’t do that without trust and respect on both sides. This was not a good start.

This experience really shook me. We take pride in our values as a business and work hard to do the right thing by all our clients. An innocent mistake (from both sides) in communication here had resulted in an error for which I apologised. 

You can’t do more than that.

Recognising your part in any situation is key and will usually remove tension. If a heartfelt apology is not enough, then this is not about you anymore, this is something going on within the other person and, it is my strong view, that you have to walk away. It’s not always easy though! In this case we lost the client and the income associated with that but we saved both parties heartache in the longer run in my view.

In a personal business such as ours, as in all relationships in life, you can’t get on with everyone and you will be drawn to those who help make you a better person.

If you ever get the feeling someone wants to drag you down with them, you have to politely extract yourself from that situation and move on. I’ve broken up with (or been broken up with by) a handful of friends or clients over the years and for good reason. It’s never just the right thing for you, it is always right for both parties.

Sometimes it’s the situation alone that creates tension and pushes boundaries and the friendship or relationship will come back to you when things have settled; at other times it will be a permanent arrangement. Either way, it is OK.

You don’t need to experience extreme pain and loss to feel vulnerable and exposed. It is a normal part of being human and we all adopt different approaches.

So, how to apply this on a daily basis?

Listen.

Listen to how you feel in every situation.

Don’t tolerate those who are flippant with your feelings and let people know how it makes you feel. Often – and on the flip side I am often guilty of this – we are not aware of how our behaviour makes someone feel and if we knew more, we would change how we behave.

It is possible to listen to our own needs and those of others at the same time. You can make time for both and by doing so, you also teach others how to respect different needs at the same time.

Being ourselves in the context of others is one of those very strange experiences in which we will never become an expert.

It is constantly evolving as we meet new people and experiences change us and the only way to keep up is to evolve with it.

The more we understand ourselves and our own boundaries, the better able we are to articulate those to others. Then we can chose to associate with people who will naturally respect those boundaries and whose boundaries we enjoy working around.

What do you think? Is this simply wishful thinking or could you do something to change how your daily life makes you feel? It takes practice, remember I have spent a lot of time on my own, thinking over the last two years, but I am only really learning now that I am trying to reintegrate myself into society!

I have reflected a lot on earlier failures to both respect and put in place boundaries and rather than dwell on this, I’m moving forward with positive intent. I know I will keep making mistakes but at least I’m doing it as me. I can’t blame anyone else for them, I will learn from them.

I am energised and empowered by the positive reaction from others to things I do so much so that it feeds into how I behave in other ways, hopefully making me a better version of myself. If I’m happy with me, that’s all I can ask for.

Have a wonderful Sunday.

Peace x